Evolution Of The Beer Geek: Tracing The Evolution Of The Earliest Beer Drinkers To Modern Beer Geek
- Beers in collection: 1 Old Style hidden in the hollow of a tree.
- Favorite beer: Whatever he can find by foraging.
- Drinking style: Sneaky.
- Description: This earliest known specimen of beer-loving humanoid is not at all picky about the beers he drinks. As a matter of fact, he will drink whatever he can scavenge from the garages and basements of his elders. Many of his
beers are enjoyed warm in the woods, often shared with other scavengers in a circular formation, sometimes while listening to the music of Black Sabbath or Iron Maiden. Very few Sneakaschlitzicus continue to move up the
evolutionary chain, but many higher life forms have started in this primordial forest.
- Beers in collection: Zero. he drinks as fast as he can and always finishes what he has.
- Favorite beer: Whatever's cheapest.
- Drinking style: Aggressive.
- Description: This creature has two clear goals: Getting hammered and mating. He values quantity over quality and tends to drink in large social packs. He is especially boisterous when females (beerus sippicus) are about, hoping to
show his prowess and suitability for mating by drinking while doing handstands or by using a funnel. Sometimes he also tries to show his spacial skills by tossing dirty balls into red plastic cups of beer, somehow thinking this will make
him look "cool" or like "the man".
- Beers in collection: 9 Bass Ales from the 12 pack the bought at the local Beer-O-Rama.
- Favorite beer: English ales & skunky Dutch pilseners.
- Drinking style: Intrigued.
- Description: With his school days behind him and some disposable income from his first real job, this beer lover begins to seek something more than the swill he chugged in college. Not knowing where to start, he
gravitates to the European beers that are available in his local beer store. After all, they cost more than the American stuff but are still brands he's heard of, such as Bass, Stella Artois, Heineken and New Castle. He occasionally picks
up a six pack of beer he hasn't tried before. Many Stellapithicus continue to dwell in their parent's basement until a suitable mate has been found, motivating him to find and other, more private living arrangements.
- Beers in collection: For the first time, a strange arrangement of corked bottles, bombers and craft singles sit in his fridge.
- Favorite beer: He doesn't know yet, and it's exciting.
- Drinking style: Enlightened.
- Description: This is where the beer geek first begins to really show his stripes. This creature has had an epiphany - a beer that has blown his mind and expanded his expectations of what beer can be. He finds himself searching the
web to learn more and accidentally getting hammered on weeknights as he works his way through all the Belgian Dubbels or Double Imperial Pale Ales he can find. An exciting world is opening up to him and, quite literally, he cannot
drink it in fast enough. Soon enough he learns the "one glass of water for each beer rule" and begins to rapidly ascend up the evolutionary chain.
- Beers in collection: Several dozen, but probably nothing you've heard of because he's just so much more tuned into the scene than you.
- Favorite beer: The nastiest sour he can pretend to love.
- Drinking style: Self important.
- Description: An unfortunate mutation in the beer genome, the Beerdouchicus is an intolerant creature intent on proving his superiority by bludgeoning others with his beer knowledge. He will often use fancy terms to refer to the
flavors of beer in an attempt to compete with his evolutionary cousin, Winesnobicus, and will assure you that everything you know about beer is wrong. Beerdouchicus us especially dangerous at parties, where in just a few moments
of being corned by him, his prey will forever be turned off to craft beer.
- Beers in collection: Dozens of all styles, arranged haphazardly in his basement or garage
- Favorite beer: It's impossible to choose.
- Drinking style: Grateful.
- Description: Confident and curious, the Geeko Sapien finds great joy in celebrating the wonders of craft beer with others. He knows what he likes and is quite knowledgeable, but unlike Beerdouchicus, he is accepting of people who
know less than him or have little interest in craft beer. He is an evangelist of good beer, he follows the 10 Commandments of Craft Beer and will sometimes lend his voice in places like Beer Advocate and Reddit Beer. While far from
perfect, Gecko Sapien is generally considered to be fun to hang out with, especially because he shares is excellent beer. He also seems to have a proclivity for bicycles and facial hair, but more scientific study is needed to determine if
there is a genetic link between these behaviors.
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