How To Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting To Kill You
Bringing you dead animals. This isn't a gift. It's a warning.
- Starting contests. If you get caught in a staring contest with your cat, do not look away. Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak, and an attack is likely to follow.
- Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter. When your cat does this, it's actually a failed ambush.
- Kneading on you. You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weaknesses.
- Hiding in dark places and watching you. Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat.
- Throwing up grass. Through this painful feeding and purging process, cats prepare their minds and bodies for combat.
- Sleeping on your electronics. Humans have superior technology. Your cat knows this and will attempt to disrupt all communications to the outside world.
- Pawing at your face while you sleep. Cats aren't very good at smothering people, but this won't stop them from trying.
- Excessive shoveling litter. After using the litter box, your cat needlessly kicks litter around, most of it ending up all over the room. This is practice for buying bodies.