The Social Media Zombie Apocalypse
It's scary, but it's true: The zombie apocalypse is already upon us. Social media has turned many of us into drones. We've checked out of the real world to obsessively, compulsively, and often unwittingly check our various
accounts. Have you seen one of these social media zombies walking among us?
Facebook: The baby-obsessed zombie
- This zombie can't stop compulsively posting statuses about their child.
- Telltale signs: 1) Terrifying ultrasound profile photos; 2) Barrage of requests to vote for their baby in creepy infant photo contests; 3) Constant references to child's sidekick, Sophie the Giraffe.
- Feeds on. The lifeblood of their childless, unmarried friends.
Facebook: The check-ins in zombie
- The easiest zombie to elude, this one always lets you know where they've at.
- Telltale signs: 1) Checks in at "Zombieland"; 2) Check in at "The Most". Comfortable Bed in the World; 3) Checks in at "Right Behind You".
- Feeds on. tagging friends who refuse to check in to places.
Twitter: The hashtag zombie
- You may not ever understand this zombie. But that's not the point.
- Telltale signs: 1) #speaksonlyinhastags; 2) #compulsively #puts #a; #hash #sign #on #everything; 3) #makespuerridiculouslylonghashtagsthatareimpossibleroread.
- Feeds on. Complete sentences #nomnom.
Twitter: The inner-dialogue zombie
- This one can't help but express every single thought that enters their brain
- Telltale signs: 1) "I'm hungry"; 2) "Where is everyone?"; 3) "Did my face always loom like this?".
- Feeds on. The minutia of everyday life.
Instagram: The foodie zombie
- These zombies run in packs and linger around hip food trucks and new gastropubs.
- Telltale signs: 1) Mindlessly documents every meal and beverage; 2) Sits silently in restaurants, entranced by their smartphone; 3) Not satisfied by a meal until it's liked by at least 5 followers.
- Feeds on. Double-digit likes on their brunch pics.
Instagram: The foot photo fetish zombie
- These zombies compulsively set up the perfect vista shot to show you where their feet have been.
- Telltale signs: 1) Frequently falls and runs into things due to constant downward gaze; 2) fancy footwear ready for a photo op; 3) Never far from a hammock, ottoman, or choice set up for a shot.
- Feeds on. Groupons for cheap pedicures.
Pinterest: The zombie bride
- This zombie can't stop pinning over-the-top favour ideas, save-the-date designs, and colour palettes.
- Telltale signs: 1) Covered in chalkboard paint; 2) Armed with a hot glue gun and broken mason jars; 3) Shrieks when they spot a new hair tutorial.
- Feeds on. Cake tasters and the mediocre nuptials of couples who married before Pinterest.
Pinterest: The mini-me zombie
- This zombie compulsively seeks out and pins anything miniaturised.
- Telltale signs: 1) Never seen out without mini muffin pans; 2) Tries to shrink everything in sight; 3) Followed around by a miniature and miniature Poodle.
- Feeds on. Mini quiches, bite-size caprese salads, and gazpacho shot.